Roswell 1947
Act 4 Scene 1:
Narrator: Act 4 takes place at the Roswell Funeral Home. While Dennis the mortician is prepping a client for tomorrow’s funeral he hears the phone ring.
General Kane: Dennis, this is General Kane from the Air Force base. Listen, Dennis I need four child size caskets as soon as possible. Do you have any in stock?
Dennis: Caskets for children? I have two in stock.
General Kane: I need four Dennis. Can you build me two more this evening?
Dennis: Well, sir, this is kind of short notice. I’ll have to run over to the General Store before it closes at six. I’ll have to buy lumber, nails, a hammer, a saw, a tape measure and some paint.
General Kane: That sounds like a plan Dennis. And while you’re at the General Store see if you can pick me up some pepperoni sticks and some White Owl cigars.
Dennis: I’m a little pressed for time sir. I’ve just started preparing a body for a funeral tomorrow and it will probably take me about six hours to finish the job.
General Kane: So you’re sure this guy is dead?
Dennis: Yeah, as far as I can tell.
General Kane: So what does he care if you bury him tomorrow or a day later? He’s probably not in any hurry is he?
Dennis: I suppose not sir.
General Kane: Well, I am Dennis. I want those caskets delivered to the hospital by this evening. Now I suggest you get going to the General Store this minute.
Dennis: Aye aye sir! I’m on my way. Oh, by the way sir, why do you need four child size caskets? Was there an accident involving small children that I haven’t heard about?
General Kane: Don’t ask any questions Dennis. You’ll get further orders when you arrive at the hospital with the caskets. And make sure you remember to bring my cigars and pepperoni sticks.
Dennis’s soliloquy: This doesn’t make any sense. Usually, they ask me to prepare the bodies before they order caskets. And surely I would have heard about an accident involving small children before now. Well, I better get to the General Store before it closes.
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After a couple of hours of sleep Mick wakes up in the storage room at the hospital. He still feels woozy from the effects of his tranquillizer.
Mick: Where am I? Those Fascists must have stuck me in the janitor’s room! There’s nothing here but brooms, mops, and pails in here. Hold on. I see a window.
Narrator: Mick stumbles over to the window. He picks up a step ladder and smashes the glass out of the window. He runs to a back lane about a block from the hospital. He runs to a back lane about a block from the hospital. As Mick stumbles down the lane two dog catchers from town are having a smoke break in their truck. They see Mick stumbling down the lane.
Harvey the dog catcher: Hey Hoss, look at that guy. He’s bombed out of his mind.
Hoss the dog catcher: Hey Buddy, come over here. It looks like you can use some help.
Mick: You’re right about that! First, I get kidnapped by two air force guys who throw me in the back of a truck full of aliens. Then they take me to a hospital where a nurse shoots me full of horse tranquillizer. Then I pass out and wake up in the janitor’s closet in the hospital. I , finally, broke the glass in the window in the janitor’s room and made a run for it.
Hoss: Harvey, this man’s not in his right head. He’s hallucinating real bad. We need to get him back to the hospital.
When Hoss goes to grab Mick his guys fall out of his trouser pockets. Mick quickly picks the keys up and opens the back door of the dog catcher’s vehicle. Mick then unleashes a huge Rottweiler hear the back door of the van.
Narrator: The enraged Rottie chases Harvey and Hoss down the lane. The dog catchers see a big blue dumpster, climb into it and shut the lid.
Hoss: I don’t care. I’m staying in here until I’m sure the dog’s gone.
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Narrator: Mick starts up the van and heads for town.
Mick: I’ve got to get back to the radio station. I’ve got an even better story to tell now!
Act Four Scene three
Narrator: back at the hospital Zeke the janitor runs up to General Kane.
Zeke: General, the guy you locked up in the storage room escaped!
General Kane: Enns! Get in the truck. We’ve got to catch the rancher before he starts shooting his mouth again.
Narrator: Enns and General Kane start driving down the back lane. They come to an abrupt stop when they see two dog catchers climbing out of a large, blue dumpster.
Private Enns: Look General, the city makes those poor dog catchers hunt for stray dogs in the dumpster.
General Kane: I doubt that Private. Roswell
Private Enns: Maybe the dog catchers are not included in the union contract.
General Kane (to the dog catchers) : What the heck were you guys doing in the dumpster? Just look at you guys! Covered in garbage. You men are a dis grace to the uniform!
Private Enns: I thought city employees made good money. You guys shouldn’t have to crawl into a dumpster looking for food.
Hoss: We’re not looking for food. A large Rottweiler chased us into the dumpster.
General Kane: Men, it’s your job to catch dogs not run away from them.
Hoss: Well, it’s kind of a long story. We were sitting in the van having our smoke break when we see this guy come stumbling down the back lane.
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Hoss: Ha1 ha! ha! And then he says something about a nurse giving him a shot of horse tranquilizer in the butt.
Private Enns: They’re talking about Mick, General.
General Kane: I know. So where is this guy now?
Private Enns: Yeah, and don’t you guys have a van or something to put the dogs in after you catch them?
General Kane: They don’t need one. They don’t catch any dogs. The dogs chase them into the dumpster. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Private Enns: I don’t get it. There’s two of you and just one of him.
Hoss: Well, it’s kind of a long story. You tell it Harvey
General Kane: And then the dog chased you guys into the dumpster.
Hoss: Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.
Private Enns: You guys are hilarious. You’re funnier than Floyd the Barber on the Andy Griffith Show. You guys should tell your story on Rick and Dwight’s radio show.
General Kane: I have a feeling that’s where Mick is right now.
Narrator: When Private Enns and General Kane pull up in front of the radio station they see the dog catcher’s van. For the second time in one day the two air force men break down the door to the control room.
Mick: Well, like I was saying, these two army dudes kidnapped me. They threw me in the back of their truck. I rode in the back with three dead aliens and one live one. Then they dropped me off at the hospital where a nurse gave me a shot of horse tranquilizer in the butt. Whoa! Help! The Two army dudes are here again!
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Rick: Loyal listeners. I’d just like to inform you that Private Enns and General Kane have broken into the control room and have kidnapped Mick Russell for the second time today.
Dwight: Yeah, and right when Mick was getting to the good part of the story. If Mick escapes and returns again later this evening we won’t have time for him on our show.
Rick: That’s right listeners because we already have Floyd the barber booked for an interview this evening.
Dwight: Hang on. I think we have a caller on the line.
Floyd the barber: You guys better not cancel my interview! Do you think your listeners want to hear some bozo go on about flying saucers, aliens and getting horse tranquilizer shot up his butt? Don’t you think they’d rather listen to an exclusive interview with a great actor like Floyd the barber instead?
Rick: Probably not but don’t get your shirt in a knot Floyd. Your interview is still on for this evening.
Act 5 Scene 2.
Narrator: The army truck arrives at the Air Force Base. General Kane takes Mick to an interrogation room.
Mick: Get these handcuffs off me. I’m a law abiding citizen.
General Kane: Yeah, right! A law abiding citizen who hijacks a city vehicle and sics a Rottweiller on two dog catchers. Both of those are felony offenses in this state.
Mick: Felonies? What do you call kidnapping a civilian and throwing him in the back of an army truck full of aliens?
General Kane: Protecting our national security.
Private Enns : What were you thinking, Mick? You go on the radio telling the listeners a half baked story about flying saucers and aliens. You scared the daylights out of them!
Mick: It’s the truth!
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General Kane: No! the truth is that all you found was a weather balloon. We’re going to take you back to the radio station and this is what you are going to do. You’re going to go on the air and tell the listeners that you started drinking early in the morning. Your wife left you because you were losing too much money on the ranch. So when Dusty’s Tavern opened you went there to continue drowning your sorrows. You decided you’d get yourself some attention by making up this flying saucer story and telling it on the radio.
Mick: No way! I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole county.
General Kane: Would you rather spend the next twenty years in the brig, Mick?
Mick: Of course not.
General Kane: Here’s the deal Mick. You go on the air and tell the story we just told you. For your cooperation you’ll find yourself the brand new owner of a 1047 Ford 250. Let’s just say it’s only right after all the rough treatment we gave you.
Mick: Whoo Hoo! A new Ford truck. It’s a deal. They won’t be laughing long when they see me cruising around town with my new set of wheels.
Private Enns: You’re smarter than we gave you credit for Mick.
Mick: Gee, thanks.
Act Six Scene One
Narrator: Dennis, the mortician, has finished loading all the child size caskets into the hearse. He drives to Roswell Hospital
Nurse Jane: Dennis, you’ve got to get out of here quick before someone sees you. You don’t want to be seen here. I’ll phone you later tonight.
Narrator: Just as Dennis turns around to talk to Nurse Jane, two burly hospital security guards grab Dennis by the arms and drag him out to the parking lot.
Dennis: Get your hands off me! What’s the meaning of this?
Tim, the security guard: Look pal, we have orders to toss anyone out who doesn’t belong here.
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Dennis: I’m Dennis Morris, the new town mortician. The General told me to meet him here.
Narrator: Just then the General pulls up to the hospital entrance in his jeep.
General Kane: He’s telling the truth men. Release him immediately. Dennis did you bring along the four coffins I ordered?
Dennis: Yes sir. They’re in the back of the hearse.
General Kane: Good work Dennis. Okay, security personnel, unload the hearse on the double.
Tim: Sir, unloading hearses isn’t in our job descriptions.
General Kane: Maybe you’d rather eat a live grenade.
Tim: Well, I guess our union doesn’t need to find out about this.
General Kane: That’s a wise decision, Tim. Dennis, did you remember my cigars and pepperoni sticks?
Dennis: Sorry sir! I got so busy that I forgot all about them.
General Kane: Dennis, do you have any idea how hungry I am? I’ve been so busy today dealing with idiot dog catchers and ranchers that can’t keep their mouths shut that I missed my lunch and my dinner. Tim, there’s a Burger King and Seven-Eleven in Corona
Tim: Sir, we have strict orders from our supervisor not to leave the hospital until our shifts are over.
Tim: From this minute on, the only orders you are to obey are the ones given by me! Now get the lead out! I’m starving!
Tim: Aye, aye sir.
Narrator: Tim gets into his old rusted out Plymouth Corona , New Mexico
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Dennis: I’m Dennis Morris, the new town mortician. The General told me to meet him here.
Narrator: Just then the General pulls up to the hospital entrance in his jeep.
General Kane: He’s telling the truth men. Release him immediately. Dennis did you bring along the four coffins I ordered?
Dennis: Yes sir. They’re in the back of the hearse.
General Kane: Good work Dennis. Okay, security personnel, unload the hearse on the double.
Tim: Sir, unloading hearses isn’t in our job descriptions.
General Kane: Maybe you’d rather eat a live grenade.
Tim: Well, I guess our union doesn’t need to find out about this.
General Kane: That’s a wise decision, Tim. Dennis, did you remember my cigars and pepperoni sticks?
Dennis: Sorry sir! I got so busy that I forgot all about them.
General Kane: Dennis, do you have any idea how hungry I am? I’ve been so busy today dealing with idiot dog catchers and ranchers that can’t keep their mouths shut that I missed my lunch and my dinner. Tim, there’s a Burger King and Seven-Eleven in Corona
Tim: Sir, we have strict orders from our supervisor not to leave the hospital until our shifts are over.
Tim: From this minute on, the only orders you are to obey are the ones given by me! Now get the lead out! I’m starving!
Tim: Aye, aye sir.
Narrator: Tim gets into his old rusted out Plymouth Corona , New Mexico
Ken’s Music Recommendations
One of my favorite all time music box sets is Nuggets: Original Artifacts From the First Psychedelic Era. My favorite period in music history is covered in this box set. I have always loved 1960’s garage bands. This was an era where four or five guys fifteen or sixteen years old could put together a band and maybe have a single playing on the radio within a few months. Most of these bands ended up being one or two hit wonders but their hits were classics. Most of these bands released singles that bristled with attitude and teenage angst. Some of these 45 releases were just plain fun. Take a listen to Are You a Boy or Are You a Girl? by the Barbarians and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Some of the songs on this collection were only regional hits but probably could have been national or even international smashes if they had received the right promotion. Some of my all time favorite garage bands are featured in this box set including The Seeds, Paul Revere and the Raiders and The Standells. This box set also includes a fantastic booklet that gives you a brief history of each band and each record that is included in this collection. If you loved sixties garage bands this box set will not disappoint.
Rock on,
Ken David Stewart
There can be no doubt that the greatest band of the 1990s was Nirvana. Nirvana brought grunge to the world and made it mainstream. The reason for their success had a lot to do with the writing and performing talents of Kurt Cobain. Kurt’s talent as a songwriter ranks up there with the likes of Lennon and McCartney, Jagger and Richards and Bob Dylan. As Cobain’s life was tragically ended at age twenty seven Nirvana did not leave a large catalogue. However, they did release a great set of rarities with the box set called With the Lights Out. For die hard Nirvana fans this Cd set is a must. This set also includes a DVD of early and rare Nirvana footage.
Page sixteen
Hoss: Ha1 ha! ha! And then he says something about a nurse giving him a shot of horse tranquilizer in the butt.
Private Enns: They’re talking about Mick, General.
General Kane: I know. So where is this guy now?
Private Enns: Yeah, and don’t you guys have a van or something to put the dogs in after you catch them?
General Kane: They don’t need one. They don’t catch any dogs. The dogs chase them into the dumpster. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Private Enns: I don’t get it. There’s two of you and just one of him.
Hoss: Well, it’s kind of a long story. You tell it Harvey
General Kane: And then the dog chased you guys into the dumpster.
Hoss: Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.
Private Enns: You guys are hilarious. You’re funnier than Floyd the Barber on the Andy Griffith Show. You guys should tell your story on Rick and Dwight’s radio show.
General Kane: I have a feeling that’s where Mick is right now.
Narrator: When Private Enns and General Kane pull up in front of the radio station they see the dog catcher’s van. For the second time in one day the two air force men break down the door to the control room.
Mick: Well, like I was saying, these two army dudes kidnapped me. They threw me in the back of their truck. I rode in the back with three dead aliens and one live one. Then they dropped me off at the hospital where a nurse gave me a shot of horse tranquilizer in the butt. Whoa! Help! The Two army dudes are here again!
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